Kathleen Botsford

Practicing Presence

Victoria, my youngest, will be a junior in high school this autumn.  She spent many an hour filling  out admission papers, collecting letters of recommendation from teachers and drafting essays.  She sat on pins and needles for a month or so and was justly rewarded when she was accepted into the Summer Scholars Program at Columbia University in New York City.  Tori will be spending 31/2 weeks taking classes in Public Relations, Advertising and Marketing.  She will see lots of museums and art shows, attend flamboyant Broadway musicals and experience off-Broadway grit and drama.  She is very excited and will undoubtedly have the time of her young life while bringing back many colorful stories to share. 

While I am excited for her there is a part of me that is just a trifle melancholy.  Victoria will experience all of this without her siblings, her father or me.  Up until this point in her life, all of our "adventures" have been holidays shared by the whole or most of the family.  When Victoria returns from NYC, she will have an entire chapter of her life that none of us are a part of in any way.  She is beginning to break out of her chrysalis and her wings will not be far behind. 

My husband and I are accompanying Tori to the East Coast tomorrow morning.  We will spend a week visiting colleges from Boston to NYC.  We will spend a few days relaxing by the sea in Newport RI before we we move her into her dorm room at Columbia and say our goodbyes.  As always, these moments are bittersweet for me.  My family is changing and growing and leaving the nest.  This is as it should be.  While I am  happy and excited for each and everyone of their accomplishments,  I am also a bit sad as I continue to  say goodbye to their childhoods.  Those cozy warm memories will live on in my heart, side by side with this soft ache of grief as I practice staying ever present to the wonderful and fleeting moments at hand.  Presence and practice.  Practice and presence.  What more is there?

I'm Bored!

Summer.  I fondly remember the summers of my youth.  The summers of baseball in the back yard and swimming in the neighbors pool.  Lazy afternoons with a pile of books to keep me company under a shady tree.  Catching fireflies in the evening and trying to sneak a couple minutes more of playtime before my mother called to us for baths and bed. 

Spending time at our cousins and Grandparents, picking strawberries and eating petunias.  (Ahh, petunias.  I remember their spicy taste and aroma just like it were yesterday.)    Choosing up sides with my cousins and racing like madmen around the blocks on bikes competing to win whatever crazy game we had thought up.  Walking to the neighborhood grocer with a small account book in hand.  I was always amazed they let us walk out with groceries and we never gave them any money.  Just the little book of accounts and receipts.  So different from the "big" city we lived in. 

Getting up at 5 am to get my grandfather off to work and then a short stroll to morning Mass.  I used to love sitting on the porch of the Convent, helping the nuns prepare for fall classes.  They always gave us holy cards.  I had a huge collection.  Almost as big as some of my brothers baseball card collections.  And just as dear to my heart.  I never did find them when we closed up my parents home.

Summer should be a time of pleasure and leisure.  Of innocence and play.  And especially of boredom.  I remember the best parts of summer springing from those two little sentences heard 'round the world in every language.  "I'm bored.  There's nothing to do!"  Those feelings of boredom inspired more creative and spontaneous play than any x-box or iphone ever could. 

I remember those summers fondly and yet those summers were filled with boredom.  Sweet, and heavy like the foreboding of an afternoon storm.  And then the sun shone from our bright faces as we rose to the occasion with another new game to play, craft to make or business to explore.  (We all envisioned ourselves as budding young millionaires.)   Boredom was the catalyst and our imaginations soared among the stars. 

The lazy, crazy, BORING days of summer.  I wonder......

Do You Have the Patience to Wait?

 Some of my friends have contacted me worrying about my last post.  I did not mean to alarm anyone.  One of my theories of life is the endless parade of lessons we are so generously presented with on a daily basis to further our spiritual growth.  I know any one of my apparent "problems" is really a spiritual opportunity for me to evolve and grow as a human being and as a spiritual being.  Sometimes the lessons are very obvious and I have written about these before.  And often times they are much less obvious.  They require contemplation, prayer and brutal honesty.  The good thing is the only person I need to be brutally honest with is myself.  It's always about me and me alone.  Others may play a role in my little dramas but alas, they are only there to mirror back to me something I need to attend to in my own life, my own heart, my own soul. 

The Tao always seems to point me back in the right direction.  It is simple, elegant and uncomplicated.  Just like I want my life to be when I grow up.

Do you have the patience to wait
till your mud settles and the water is clear?
Can you remain unmoving
till the right action arises by itself?

The Master doesn't seek fulfillment.
Not seeking, not expecting,
she is present, and can welcome all things.

Waiting for Wisdom

Lots of things are happening here.  Some good things, some very challenging.  Relationships can be difficult.  After 25 years together it can be a struggle to step back and get a fresh perspective.  To see things through the eyes of the other.  To see things through the eyes of the Beloved. 

God grant me the wisdom, the strength and the patience to let the unimportant go.  Amen.

Choose Peace

 

Some days life seems to hum along nicely.  Everything in its proper order.  Children and husband happy.  Easy going laughter and smiles filling the summer air with jovial togetherness.  Just how I like it.  Contented sighs escaping my Mona Lisa lips in a self-satisfied  and ever so smug impersonation of the famous painting. 

Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the mood shifts.  Usually one of two culprits are the catalysts but the tides change swiftly none the less.  It has been my lesson in this life to learn to detach from situations in which I have no control.  It is a difficult lesson for a mother who craves peace and harmony within her home and amongst her family.  Conflict of any kind feels like a "screw" searing through my solar plexus, bringing turmoil and wrecking havoc in my body physically, as well as mentally and emotionally.  I am getting better at surfing life's waves, taking them in my stride instead of plummeting to the depths of despair.  But it will continue to be a lesson that requires my constant vigilance and consistent practice.

The nature of life is movement and change.  Chaos crashes in where peace reigned supreme just moments before.  This is nothing new.  It has been this way since the beginning of time.  If we did not know chaos, how could we treasure peace?  Moving effortlessly between these two paradigms may or may not be part of my journey.  Coming back to balance and letting go of the resistance to "what is" happening at any given moment is always a choice I can make for myself.  And by making this choice for myself and myself only, I am doing what I can to shift the energy for my entire family and all of our ancestors and descendants in all directions of time.  What could be more powerful than that?

Peony Gazing

Nature is amazing.  If I take the time to smell the "peonies" my days are that much more lovely.  I feel centered and serene.  Life is gearing up around here.  Alex's graduation party is this Saturday.  A few calm moments gazing at these lovely blossoms, burying my nose in their softly folding petals, always puts me in a peaceful place.  Their very short life span helps me stay focused in the moment, appreciating the beauty that surrounds me now instead of worrying about tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Alexandra

It's a little yellow and faded from time and sun but here is the first official portrait of our little family.  Today is Alexandra's 22 birthday.  Twenty two years ago today, I became a mother for the first time.  We cut our teeth together.  Alex cut her first front one and I "began" to cut my wisdom teeth.  I would not be who I am today without my little sunshine.  My life has two definite chapters, before Alex and after Alex.  I don't think all women are meant to be mothers.  I didn't think I wanted to be one when I was younger.  In fact wanted to be Auntie Mame, but the Great Creator had other plans for me.  I became a mother 22 years ago and I have been living my destiny every day since.

 Thank you Alexandra Christiner Weiner for being my first born.  Thank you for being the special soul sent to baptize me into the sacred sacrament of Motherhood.  Thank you for being my daughter and breaking open my heart with the deepest joy and sorrows of motherhood.  Happy Birthday Sweetheart!  I love you forever.

Retail Therapy?

It has long been my belief that each and every human being is born with a mission to express their creative spirit.  This "mission" for most of us tends to get trampled upon and kicked around by parents, teachers and society in general until we have no confidence whatsoever in our natural abilities and heritage.  Our malls are filled with the millions of people walking around in  an almost comatose state as they search in vain for that "thing" to fulfill them and "make" them happy.  It can't be done.  It's as simple as that. 

I have kept visual journals for years.  Whenever I have that itchy feeling or unrest of any kind, I head to my journal and grab my crayons and magazines for a few soothing minutes (or hours) of creative therapy.  This low cost activity has the power to calm and restore my balance on a deeper level than any trip to the mall could ever do.  I cut out images that call to me.  I paste them in my book and color and collage around them.  Sometimes I journal with words.  Sometimes I don't.  Whatever comes out of my "therapy" session is always deeply meaningful to me.  I am often surprised by issues and thoughts that have been lurking under my awareness as they"bubble up" to the surface and burst just like the soapy bubbles that enthralled us all as children.  The issues often resolve themselves as the energy physically and mentally releases into the ether.  And sometimes a new and lighter perspective is all that is needed to give a heavy problem a welcome respite and time to resolve itself.  It is magical and more cathartic than any therapy session or workshop I have ever attended.   And lots less expensive!

Family Time

This summer is different than the last few.  This summer I have chosen to put all of my "to do" lists aside.  I know I have written about this before, but this summer it is truly taking shape and "shaping up".   I have decided to spend this summer working out with the family, preparing dinners and doing laundry.  Releasing myself from my list of things I "need" or "want" to do, has given me an entirely new feeling of freedom and spontaneity.  I won't be spending much time in my studio.  I won't be attending workshops or conferences.  I won't be reading or writing much.  I will be taking every moment as it presents itself, in all of it's ordinary and mundane glory.  Grateful for this summer of unhurried and simple time with my family.

Spin on Summer

Summer has finally arrived at our home.  The college kids have been home since the first week in May but Victoria's last final was Wednesday.  Hurray! 

We have a lazy yet determined routine shaping up for ourselves.  Since the boys are busy working out and getting Stevie into D1 football shape, we girls have decided to follow suit.  Victoria and I have Spin class every M/W/F followed by an hour of Pilates.  On T/TH we are off to lift weights.  Alex will join us as much as possible although an 8:30am Spin class does NOT fit into her "stay out late and sleep in" schedule.  I have been very surprised to see her up before noon, on the elliptical machine and then accompanying us to Pilates more days than not.  I don't think she should have tried her first Spin class with a left over woozy head from the night before but sometimes they need to find these things out on their own.  Most times they need to find these things out on their own.  Her new job begins in the fall and this is her last summer of relative childhood.  She has some office jobs and nanny work lined up to keep her busy until then.  Interesting to say the least.  Stay tuned for further updates.

P.S.  This "Spin" class is kicking my treadmill addicted butt!