Ok, so I don’t write everyday. Yeah, I know, I have made these "promises" before. To teachers, friends and most importantly to myself, yet I continue to put off this practice consistently and stubbornly. I am starting this blog with another fresh hope. The hope it will inspire me or “force” me to make a REAL commitment to write daily!
My parents left this lifetime before I had the chance to really know them as people apart from being “Mom and Dad”. I would give anything to have access to my parents hand written journals. I have saved everything from them that has their hand writing on it. It makes me feel so connected and comforted. I wish I had more of their journals to read. One of the reasons I have started writing is to have something to leave my children. I want them to “know” me as a complex and multi-faceted “human” being, not just a “mom.” So many things I would like to share with them have no context in our lives just yet. Things of a spiritual or intimate nature that never come up in everyday conversations. I wish I knew who my parents were as people on a journey. Beyond the box of “parents.” I have read some of my mother’s journals and even when she may say things not so complimentary about me; it is where she was at the time. I can honor that and it helps me to see her in a different light, an added dimension, a woman struggling with her own issues and demons. I find that comforting and endearing.
I would like to be known intimately and deeply, with my dark AND light, my fears AND strengths. I would like to have had the chance to know my parents in that manner also. But, it was their choice and maybe they weren’t ready for that. They kept the “parent-child” thing well in tact. I guess it is an individual preference. I have many journals all over my home and cars. I used to worry about them being read. Now I just figure, it is what it is. If someone sees something about me they don’t like, so be it. My journals should never be taken personally, it’s always about me. Not my husband, not my children or who ever may appear within the pages. I guess that sounds kind of heart less, huh? I wish we could all be taught how to be honest with each other. AND the difference between being honest and being hurtful. I think these are two separate distinctions that need some illumination in our world today.
So. These pages will be my morning pages, my journal, my memoir. I may not write everyday, but I will now have this very visible log and hopefully some new friends to hold me to account.