Kathleen Botsford

Art Imitating Life

This is half of a collage that didn't come out like I wanted.  It's funny how art imitates life in that manner.  You put in all the "right" ingredients you can think of concerning a specific relationship, project or goal and somehow things have a way of re-organizing themselves into just what was meant to be.  Like it or not.  Sometimes I think we have no control what so ever of our lives and its' circumstances.  It is what it is.  And other times I feel the exciting rush of adrenaline as a co-creator of said circumstances.  The trick is letting it all go each minute of every day.  It's going to "go" whether I try to hang on to it or not, so why cause myself any more angst than necessary?  As we all know, that is easier said than done and takes up an entire lifetime of practice.  I'm giving myself a headache.  At least that too shall pass......

This week's give away winner is Ginny at Ginny's chaos.  I will be sending you an email!  Thanks for the comments and support!

Auntie Em???

Does this look like Auntie Em to  you?  I know I may be prejudiced but this is definitely the face of Glenda the Good Witch as surely as I am the mother of this beautiful child.  Something seems to have gone amiss in the world of 'High School Musicals' in our neck of the woods.  Suffice to say, Victoria did not get the part she wanted.  She will play Auntie Em and be some sort of angelic voice which I do NOT remember from the movie....(maybe it's in the play or maybe they feel bad and are trying to make it up to her, hmmm?)

Victoria is not the only one in a tizzy.  The two seniors who did get cast as Glenda wanted Dorothy.  They are not happy campers either.  What is a mother to do?  I held her as she cried and cried.  I let her talk about quitting and refusing to be the Aunt of the FRESHMAN Dorothy.  I let her plot and plan to push said freshman off stage at the most apropos moment.  I let her vent and vent and vent.  And then I snuck in a tiny, very infinitesimal, little bitty word......'character'.....and stepped back, way back.

As I held my breath and braced for the indignant reproach we mothers of 16 year old girls are very familiar with, I was met with a surprising silence.  No explosion, no disdain, not even a rolled eye.  So I ventured a little further and reminded her of her brother and his challenges.  How he did not play football at the very same high school that 'seems' to be taking her talents for granted.  And how each Saturday, his former high school teammates sit in dismay as they tune in to see Stevie, bigger than life on national television, a member of  the Notre Dame football team. 

Disappointments are a part of life.  It seems even more heart wrenching when the one being disappointed is your child.  Always, always, we have more opportunities to learn and to grow in this wonderful school room we call 'Life'.....whether we want to or not.

Whew!  Victoria won't be giving up on Broadway just yet. 

Trees with No Name

 I find it very interesting that lately most of my collaging has transpired with text AND without any discernible words.  One of my spiritual 'practices' has been to notice whenever I label something or someone, become aware of said label and any ideas implied and then work to undo the label and let things 'just be.'  And as usual, I get lots of 'practice' with this practice.

I was aimlessly wandering through a book store the other day when I came upon this fabulous looking book  with lots of pictures of trees and their leaves and nuts and seeds.  Magnificent illustrations of the trees and their habitats.  Just the kind of book that puts me over the edge anticipating hours and hours of contented  perusing and study.  I was almost hyperventilating as I leafed through the large tome. 

Suddenly I became aware of just how silly my unquenchable thirst for knowledge really is.  What difference does it make if I know the name of a tree or not?   Does that make the tree any less beautiful and full of life? Does it add to it's 'worth' in any way at all?  I think not.  I gently placed the book back on the shelf and walked silently away.  

This autumn I will enjoy the trees and fauna that cross my path WITHOUT knowing a single thing about them.  I will honor and appreciate their innate and gentle beauty.  I will drink in their quiet strength.  I will become full of their peace-filled essence without having to know one single name or fact.  I will live in my body and not in my head.  And I will continue to practice, practice, practice.

P.S.  Today's "Thank You Giveaway" winner is Roxanne of Rivergarden Studio!  I will be contacting you with details!

Boy Meets World

Last weekend we were at our usual Friday night restaurant in South Bend with friends and family when Stevie showed me a photo of his cousin taken with two playboy bunnies.  Seems his cousin had been invited to the Playboy mansion in LA for a party and had his picture taken with these winsome wenches.   As the story goes,  he actually had a date with one of them the next night.  Needless to say, all of the young (and not so young) men at the table thought it a fabulous good fortune and were busy dreaming of their day in the bunny spotlight.  Stevie (who loves to tease the #$@% out of me) pips up with "Hey Mom!  How about if I bring a couple of bunnies home for Christmas?  Can they sleep in my room with me?"  As we bantered back and forth good-naturedly, it was with a wistful sigh I realized my son is indeed a young man, ready and willing to take his place in the big world.

Earlier this week I was getting one of Stevie's suits ready for the cleaners and a consistent "jiggling" sound thwarted my attempts to empty the pockets.  Finally I slipped my hand into the inside chest pocket in search of the errant "coins."  How surprised was I as I pulled two medals out of Stevie's coat pocket.  One of St. Michael the Archangel and the other of St. John.  Yes, my "little" boy is gone but there is a sensitive and strong young man who has taken his place.  He may dream of Playboy bunnies but he is aware also of a deeper, truer Power, beyond his ego and this materialistic world we live in.

Isn't life funny?  In one hand She is constantly thrashing us with opportunities to "let go" and at the same time Her other hand  gracefully gives us gifts of unspeakable joy.   

Certified Tree Hugger

Ok.  Here it is.  I am a huge @#$%ing  TREE HUGGER.  I am not apologizing for that.  I talk to trees and if the truth be told, they talk back to me.  I can honestly say, trees are some of my most constant and supportive friends.  Suffice it to say, the sound of a chainsaw stops my heart cold and sends me into an automatic panic attack.  I have a difficult time steadying my breath and calming my heart rate, I can barely swallow and my eyes immediately tear up.  I awoke this morning to that dreaded, horrible, life-killing sound. 

I immediately grabbed the phone and called the president of our village.  7am is not TOO early for a call from a hysterical woman, is it?  Good.  I didn't think so either.  We had spoken earlier this summer regarding my neighbors plan to chop down 3 fabulously huge and ancient Cottonwood trees.  Seems it upsets him (the neighbor) when the trees shed their cotton for a couple weeks in the spring.  It gets in his screens.  Actually, where the trees are situated, much more of the fluff accumulates in MY screens. 

Anyway, there is a bill on the docket to protect "Heritage" trees and these trees fall into that category.  It will be voted on next week but to stop the annihilation of said trees, the president issued a moratorium.  He was not happy when he received my phone call and he rushed right over to save said trees and comfort the hysterical woman (me).  The trees were trimmed much too extensively and may possibly die as a result, giving said neighbor his original intent anyway.

I have spent my day trying desperately to avoid wishing much bad luck on said neighbor and all of his descendants for generations to come.  It has been a struggle.  Victoria thinks we should plant lots of Cottonwoods on our property and maybe the fluff will get in his windows too.  There is always an opportunity to practice taking the higher road.  Sigh.  Somedays I just get so tired of that darn climb.

 

Autumn Sunset

Beautiful sunset last evening.  The air is getting cool and crisp.  Of course we will have more warm, even hot days but autumn has begun her sensuously decadent disrobing dance.  Each season holds so many wonders.  The vibrant colors of fall leaves weaving a celebratory carpet as if in ecstatic anticipation of the Ice Queen's imminent entrance.  Each leaf happy to have had it's day and just as content to make room for the next cycle in our never ending circle of death and re-birth.   Living each day, each moment and letting go.  It is the way of all worlds, all species.  Sigh.  More opportunities for practice.  practice.  practice.

Blessed Time

As summer winds down and the beginning- of -school frenzy looms, I am taking stock of our lives, together  as a family and each on our own.  As a family we have had lots of fun visiting with friends and family at graduation parties and get- togethers.  We have seen a few plays and most of the new movies that have been released.  We have watched the new season begin on HBO and had lots and lots of family dinners.  And we have worked out.  We have lifted and spun, pilates-ed and yoga-ed.  The boys have done much more in preparation for football but we girls stayed right there with them, on our own schedule, at our own level.  It's funny how something as simple as exercise can bring a new level of shared purpose to a family.  More memories and of course, many more family jokes.

Alexandra has moved into her own apartment AND accepted a job in New Orleans as production assistant on a new movie.  She is busy closing sales with her present employer and spending much time with friends at lots of Chicago Cubs games.  She is practicing letting life take her along with its flow.  Alex likes things to be very much in order.  HER order so to speak.   These are great lessons she is experimenting with.  Letting go of control, the flow of the Universe, etc. etc.  If we all could have learned these lessons a little earlier.  Sigh.

Stevie has eagerly embraced an intense work out program and pushed his young body to new personal bests in many categories.  He has increased his strength and his speed while also developing new levels of agility and prowess.  As always, he sets a goal for himself and works diligently until he has met it.  He is excited about getting back to campus this week and beginning working out with the team.  His first football game is in a few weeks and we are all looking forward to another football season at Notre Dame.  Our very first one with a player on the team!

Victoria had the time of her life in NYC at Columbia University.  If I would have known the lack of chaperoning involved, I would not have encouraged her participation.  Suffice to say, she had a blast AND I am glad I was in the dark until much too late to worry or change plans.  I had originally remarked on the kids from all over our country attending the school.  I was wrong.  Half of the program consistented of young adults from all over the world.  One of Tori's new BF is from Hong Kong and goes to school in London.  Lots of new experiences and interesting people have entered her young life and I only forsee mind and heart expanding results from both as she opens to foreign cultures, countries and spiritual persuasions.

For my part, I have had the opportunity to re-institute one of my old and valued practices of saying "No".  While much of the "Nos" may seem to be about what I want to do and the things I want to accomplish, such as working in my studio, reading new books and writing essays for my blog, I was really saying "no" to time spent away from my first priority, my family.  At the beginning of the summer I chose to spend my time with my family.  No looking for stolen moments to run away to my studio, no yearning for an empty afternoon to curl up with a intriguing book.  If it happened naturally within the flow of our home, then I embraced it with all of my heart.  If not, it was ok by me.  I am amazed at how much calmer and balanced I felt the entire summer.  I was just as content doing laundry as shopping for dinner ingredients.  And all it took was a little "tweak" in my own little head.  I was quite good at this game when the kids were young.  It was refreshing to see my skills had not forsaken me, I had only forgot to bring them out of the closet and dust them off.

I will have plenty of time this autumn to spend in my studio.  Plenty of time to sit in quiet solitude.  Plenty of time to read.  Plenty of time to ponder and muse.  This summer has all but slipped away.  But I am full and content.  Full of family memories, ripe and rich with laughter.  Content with the ordinary magic of living one moment, one hour, one day at a time.  Blessed time.

The Big Easy Beckons

I have been spending a great deal of time pondering children and life lessons lately.  In particular, how my own unfinished business is quickly brought to view by the interactions and responses I find myself immersed in as my off-spring prepare to set sail into their brilliantly bright and unknown futures.   On one hand, I envy (just a smidge) their youth and the roads they have not yet taken.  Life is a giant adventure with new excitements around every corner.  New people to meet and experiences to savor.  New memories to create and stories to be lived.  Everything is fresh and bright.  On the other hand, this is a particularly challenging time to be starting out into business.  Any business. 

Alex is contemplating a huge adventure with a fair amount of risk involved.  She and a friend moved into a new apartment last weekend and she has started a new job.  Not the career of her dreams that dematerialized in a big puff of smoke right before graduation, but a job she is willing to give a shot.  Alex always works hard and does her very best when she commits to anything so it was with a certain amount of happy surprise I found out she was considering taking a short term job many states away in the entertainment field. 

I think this will be good for her.  To be out of Chicago and on her own, forging ahead in an exciting industry.  Exploring an elegant old city as far away from the Midwest as is possible in more ways than proximity alone.  New Orleans will open a different culture to Alex, a foreign way of life that will shake her out of her comfortable Midwest roots.  Alex will be forced to grow and evolve in a myriad of ways, some seen and some hidden away only to be discovered much later by the mature woman she will become in the future.  What doors may open?  Who may she cross paths with?  What new skills will she realize she possesses?  The possibilities are mesmerizing and endless.

My challenge here is to distance myself and what I think sounds like a fabulous opportunity and allow Alex the space to make her own decision.  This is her life, not mine.  She knows how I feel AND what she decides to do has nothing to do with me.  All is as it should be.  Stay tuned for future updates!

Ready or Not

Victoria returns from NYC tomorrow.  I am so excited to see her.  We have talked quite often and she has shared so many stories of her adventures and "misadventures" while in the Big Apple.  She has gone to concerts and figured out the subway.  She has taken the ferry and stood for hours and hours in an abandoned train station during a thunderstorm while waiting for the show to begin.  She has seen museums and stood in long lines trying to get tickets to the current Broadway hits.  And she has met lots of new and interesting friends from all walks of life and every corner of our country.   

Victoria will not be the same little 16 year old that we left three weeks ago.  Yes she has been homesick and yes she has missed her family, her dog and her own little bed.  But she has had the adventure of her young life  and her self confidence has grown in leaps and bounds.  I can hear it in her voice when she is laughing excitedly as she replays her schedule and the new anecdotes of the day.  I have missed my littlest one and I look forward to having her home again, if only for a moment or two.  Life is always, always moving on whether we are ready or not.  And I am again afforded more opportunities to love deeply and practice, practice, practice....letting go.

Practicing Presence

Victoria, my youngest, will be a junior in high school this autumn.  She spent many an hour filling  out admission papers, collecting letters of recommendation from teachers and drafting essays.  She sat on pins and needles for a month or so and was justly rewarded when she was accepted into the Summer Scholars Program at Columbia University in New York City.  Tori will be spending 31/2 weeks taking classes in Public Relations, Advertising and Marketing.  She will see lots of museums and art shows, attend flamboyant Broadway musicals and experience off-Broadway grit and drama.  She is very excited and will undoubtedly have the time of her young life while bringing back many colorful stories to share. 

While I am excited for her there is a part of me that is just a trifle melancholy.  Victoria will experience all of this without her siblings, her father or me.  Up until this point in her life, all of our "adventures" have been holidays shared by the whole or most of the family.  When Victoria returns from NYC, she will have an entire chapter of her life that none of us are a part of in any way.  She is beginning to break out of her chrysalis and her wings will not be far behind. 

My husband and I are accompanying Tori to the East Coast tomorrow morning.  We will spend a week visiting colleges from Boston to NYC.  We will spend a few days relaxing by the sea in Newport RI before we we move her into her dorm room at Columbia and say our goodbyes.  As always, these moments are bittersweet for me.  My family is changing and growing and leaving the nest.  This is as it should be.  While I am  happy and excited for each and everyone of their accomplishments,  I am also a bit sad as I continue to  say goodbye to their childhoods.  Those cozy warm memories will live on in my heart, side by side with this soft ache of grief as I practice staying ever present to the wonderful and fleeting moments at hand.  Presence and practice.  Practice and presence.  What more is there?