Kathleen Botsford

Gray Day

 

I know this sounds odd, but I feel I have completely missed winter.  We have had an unusually mild winter here in the midwest.  That fact along with a very busy schedule (holidays, travel, and the hours upon hours preparing for each, not to mention work men galore), have left me out of balance and out of sorts.  I love the dark, gray sky and howling winds of January.  They speak to me of candles and fires, cups of tea and long hours of contemplation and stacks of books to read.  Time to hibernate and a built~in excuse to do so. 

The sun shines it's light into every nook and cranny and illuminates the shadows, demanding projects and activity and schedules and to~do lists.  Day light savings time brings a smile to most faces.  Not mine.  Dusky evenings and a morning slow to open are much more in tune with my inner workings.

Hopefully we have a few more dreary, gray days to come.  Days I will cherish and use to full advantage with a calendar wiped clean of commitments and pot of tea to keep me company.  Then I will be able to greet Spring with the appropriate grateful attitude that is due her sun~filled, breezy days.

The Treadmill

I had planned to get on the treadmill today.  Our trip to Italy is looming and I have let my exercise regimen fall to the way-side with cleaning, organizing, and preparing taking top priority.  I can feel it now.  Sluggish and soft, not a muscle in sight.  We have workers in our basement where the treadmill also resides.  I guess I could take the dog down and figure something out but instead I just roam around feeling all fidgety and frustrated, cleaning out cabinets and washing clothes, waiting for the workers to leave.

It is the interruptions to everyday life which have most revealed the divine mystery of which I am a part. All these interruptions presented themselves as opportunities to go beyond the normal patterns of daily life and find deeper connections than the previous safety of my physical, emotional and spiritual well being.

Henri Nouwen, Beyond the Mirror

Jeez.  I can sit here and play around with the photos of my birthday flowers some more or I can make a place for the dog, get my butt on the treadmill and contemplate Henri's prose as a conduit to physical, emotional and spiritual well being.

 or maybe watch "What not to Wear".

Hmmm......

Accepting Life

Accepting life as it is has been one of my spiritual practices for many years.  Some days I do good and other days, not so good.  Some times it is easy to let go of my resistance and other days, not so easy.   My journal page this morning helped to center me and re-align me with my intention as did these words;

To practice acceptance authentically,

we must also accept our frustration and disappointment.

We don't try to change what's happening,

nor do we try to change how we are

thinking and feeling about it.

We just let everything be as it is.

Paul Ferrini

"Enlightenment for Everyone"

 

Now if I can just keep this in mind, maybe I won't take my husband's grumpy mood personally.  And maybe not!

Letting Go, Little by Little

I created this collage yesterday.  I was experimenting with ink and water so I threw caution to the wind and added one of my precious antique scraps of paper.  Those of you who do not have this hoarding disorder may not really appreciate how hard it it to let these little tid bits go.   But as I sit and contemplate this piece, I find so many of my lessons peeking through. 

Of course the big and most obvious is letting go.  With relationships, children, a way of life, or the simple quiet of the morning that is now and has been accompanied by hammers and saws for over a month, life is about living in the present and letting go of the resistance to have it look any way other than how it does this very minute.   (That's a very long sentence but I am letting go of my need to re-write it!) 

I think my letting go muscles are getting stronger.  I am getting more and more comfortable with the mystery of not knowing how things will work out.  Just letting them be as they are and staying present in the moment. 

Giving birth and nourishing,

Having without possessing,

acting with no expectations,

leading and not trying to control:

this is the supreme virtue.

                                                       Stephen Mitchell, Tao Te Ching

 

Unmapped Territory

There are so many things that spark my interest each and everyday.   One of my favorite things to do is visit other blogs.  There are so many interesting people, mostly women, who I enjoy catching up with.  Their interests are so varied too.  Interior design, fashion, food and families.  Not to mention the numerous art blogs I visit for inspiration and a weekly dose of eye candy.  Fun, fun, fun!  Mostly I write about my family and my lessons in life which ususally revolve around the art and practice of surrender.  As I re-read my last post I realized there are so many more facets of my life.  Even in the midst of full time "mothering" I have a rich life full of interests and passion, ideas and activities.  I am lucky enough to have a radio show with my dear, dear friend Jill Angelo, where we explore lots of these facets of life and how we each navigate our journeys.

This past weekend we were all in South Bend attending a football banquet.  Victoria my youngest was busy picturing her life next year, racing from class to class with lots of interesting new people and opportunities.  Stever is on the verge of the next chapter of his life as he prepares to graduate college and enter the business world and Alex is off in Indianapolis interviewing for a fabulous sounding job at this very moment while the movie she worked on last year, "The Mechanic" sets to release this weekend.   I was beginning to feel a little left out, knowing that my job is coming to an end.  I teased the kids as we joked about what I would do next; follow Victoria to college and work for the football program?   Tori didn't like that idea at all.  Volunteer for a non-profit charity?   Finally take the time to market my jewelry line and promote my workshops?  Travel to Italy?  The world is full of new roads to explore.  And I am beginning to feel the buzz of excitement building just under the surface.

Where will my next adventure take me?  The possibilites are endless.

Our 25th Anniversary

Today is our 25th wedding anniversary.  We are celebrating with our most precious gifts from God, our children, family and friends.   When I met Steve 26 years ago, I knew immediately I wanted to marry him.  Of course I could not forsee the many difficulties we would face in our relationship but I knew he was the one for me.  At that time in my life I did not yet understand the true nature of relationships.  I still thought of Steve as a "white knight on a stead" coming to sweep me off to our cozy castle in the sky.  I now know there is no magical prince to save me from myself and no castle with a mote deep enough to protect me from myself.  I have come to view relationships as a loving gift from our Creator to further help us grow into a whole and healed human being.  Through our trials and tribulations, our own wounds are reflected to us through our beloved and lovingly handed right back into our own hands to heal or not.  It is always our responsibility, this choice to heal and let go or stay stuck in the earthy mud and mire of blame and fault finding.  And as these encounters do not always appear as "love-filled", this task is not for the faint hearted.  The most basic need for approval and appreciation is usually one of the first illusions to come up for scrutiny and one of the most difficult to erradicate.  But the good news is we have many, many opportunites to fail and try again, each and every day.

On this day of celebration I am so very grateful for this man of my dreams.  This man who has pushed every one of my buttons, time and time again, just as I have pushed his.  This man who refuses to let me out of this life with unhealed wounds.   This man who has fathered my children and kept us all warm and fed.  This man who has filled every need we have ever had and many, many of our wildest dreams.  This man who has opened his heart to us when he could not trust it would not be broken, again.  And again.  And then again.  This man who I love with my whole and broken, tattered and healing heart.

Thank you, dear God, thank you.

Thanksgiving Preparations

My husband can be quite moody.  Especially around the holidays.  As I paged through my journal this morning, I am reminded of the times when holidays went smoothly.   Yes it does happen and I have documentation to prove it!

These are the prophetic words that greeted me this morning.  Words of wisdom and comfort from the phenomonal teacher and author, Michael Meade, found in his fabulous book "The World Behind The World; Living at the Ends of Time"

People fall in love because the imperfections

in each allow them to fit together.

Those who insist on perfection in this realm

have not truly begun to live here.

Like the man seeking perfection in others, they

haven't  learned to accept their own flaws.

All loving begins in the lover and extends from there.

Loving others depends upon finding love in oneself.

Forgiveness of one's own flaws may be required

if a person would fully connect to the imperfect

realm of earthly existence.

I am reminded, yet again, the ball is always in MY court.   And I am grateful for the many opportunities I am presented with to practice, practice, practice.  Sigh.

Magical Moments

There is a door looming in front of me.  A door I do not wish to walk through.  Our family is in the middle of football season for the last time.  We will always be football fans but the intimacy and camaraderie which arise from being a part of the team is ending.  All too quickly.  It struck me like a hammer yesterday afternoon as we walked around the bewitchingly beautiful autumnal campus of our Midwestern university.  I wanted to reach out and grab each special moment and freeze it in time.  The singing of the alma mater.  The pep rally and the Coach's arm around Stevie's shoulder.  The band with alumni members over a thousand strong marching through campus and filling the stadium with traditional fight songs.  The players walk from the Cathedral to the stadium.  The large and muscled young men sharing brief moments of laughter as they commiserate on a tough loss all together after the game.

This moment in time, as all others before it, vanishes in the mist, never to be experienced again.  While I know the momentary quality of life is what enables us to live in full appreciation of the sacred with honor and reverence, that doesn't make these moments any easier. 

Great mystery, help me to stay awake and aware

of the precious and ephemeral quality of this magical place

my family has been gifted to share

at this moment in time

with gratitude and grace. 

As always, I trust You will continue to find ways

to refine my practice with the appreciation

as well as the surrender of this

magnificent Life we have been presented with. 

Amen

No Practice Required

It has been a week full of mishaps and obstacles.   What is interesting is how these small, everyday crisis' enable us to  "stay in the moment".  No practice required.  It all started quite innocently last Friday.  I took a limo to meet my daughter at her high school when classes were finished.  We were driving from there, to the airport to pick up one of her friends and then on to South Bend for the weekend.  I felt a little uneasy when transferring our luggage from one car to the other but I chalked it up to that unsettled feeling I get when I am  out of my usual schedule.  We were three hours into our trip when I realized I left my wallet in the limo. (#1)

The next morning my husband returned from his usual run to Starbucks and found my daughter's back window broken and her back pack gone. (#2) Victoria was quite upset.  All of her AP books and notes, and most importantly, some new lip gloss were in that backpack.  And let's not forget her homework.  This little, though costly, obstacle had a happy ending.  We were at the football game on Saturday when Tori received a message via Facebook.  The villains didn't seem to think her very expensive school books were worth it and dumped the backpack in someone's yard.  The good Samaritans used this crazy networking system to find Tori and reunited her with her books  later that evening.  But not the lip gloss.  It must have been the culprit's favorite color.

Tuesday morning I was locked in our guest room with our dog, Rockne, safely under the covers (so he sees nothing,  hears nothing and therefore does not bark incessantly) while broadcasting the live radio show I do with my friend Jill.  As the show ended and I opened the door, Rockne made a mad dash down the stairs in one of those "frenzies" only a dog lover can understand.  Seems a squirrel had gotten into the house. (#3) I got Rockne into his cage and tried to make an easy exit for the squirrel, ala' a gourmet trail of walnuts and an open deck door but said squirrel decided an exploration of the upstairs seemed much more exciting.  I corralled him in my son's room and called the "critter control" people who happened to be in our neighborhood at the time.  Can you imagine what would have happened if he had gotten into the house while we were gone for 3-4 days?  Yikes!!!

Then....yesterday while minding my own business, getting ready to get on the treadmill, (is this a sign or what?) the washing machine's rinse cycle starting coming out of our powder room toilet, flooding said room and not so gently cascading down the basement (finished basement, of course) stairs while my husband was on a Skype call with Russia!  Jeez!  We got that all cleaned up and.... IT HAPPENED AGAIN!  This time with no washing machine help at all.  Big sigh.  We called the plumbers and they all scratched their heads while trying to fit us into their already full schedule.  Another big sigh.  The project took two days and we were without "facilities" from yesterday afternoon until about an hour ago. (#4)

Tonight is "Meet the Faculty" night at our high school.  I plan to be all packed for tomorrow's trek to South Bend before I go.  This evening is all about me and relaxing with a bottle (yes I said "bottle", not glass) of wine when I return home.  Bigger sigh.

I usually look for all sorts of reasons and signs and messages from weeks like this.  It's funny, but my mind has not "gone there" over this past week.  We have had some obstacles, nothing earth shattering, and we dealt with them as graciously as possible.  End of story.  And one must stay focused on the present if one is going to be cleaning up over-flowing toilets, catching wily squirrels and reclaiming wallets and backpacks.  No need for practicing at all.

Here's hoping everyone's weekend is as joyous as possible.  And yes, here's hoping for ANOTHER Irish victory!   

Making Friends with the Questions

I have been feeling out of sync for quite some time now.  My creative energy seems to have dried up.  My desire to re-ignite it has blown away.  To be honest, my desire to do almost anything is gone.  Yes, I still do what it takes to keep my home and family going but that little spark of contented fulfillment is missing most of the time.  And I am not used to that.

I have been through these phases before and realize they are part of the ebb and flow of life but this phase is sticking around much too long.  Or is it?

I was speaking with a dear and wise friend yesterday.  We had a nice long chat and contemplated many of the ingredients that seem to be part of my melancholy.  She then shared with me her own, dare I say it, "dark night of the soul".  It lasted ten years.  Ten years!  She has come out the other side now but those long years must have been so very difficult to endure. 

Sigh.  As I practice releasing the need for answers I will also practice embracing this mystery.  Releasing into the flow of the river of life even if it feels I am going nowhere in a big hurry.  Releasing the resistance to "what is" without analyzing and labeling.   Making friends with the questions and letting them be.   Questions with no answers........now isn't that freeing?

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves.

Do not now seek the answers,

which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything.  Live the questions

 Rainer Maria Rilke