Kathleen Botsford

Plan B, Plan C and so on

My son Steve is so silly!  I came home today to find a very large wooden salad bowl I keep on an out of the way  counter upside down.  No one was in the kitchen so I cautiously approached and gently lifted the bowl, expecting to see a big  black spider or a bee or some other sort of insect which had scared my daughter.  (She likes to capture them until I get home to help them escape to freedom in the back yard.)  I was surprised to find a bag of tortilla chips from Steve's favorite restaurant, Chipotle.  When I asked him why he put the chips under the bowl he explained he did not want his sisters to eat them all.  Now, it may just be me, but they would not have even noticed a bag of chips on the counter.  The big salad bowl upside down???  A dead give away!  Silly boy! 
Steve just finished his freshman year at Indiana University's Kelley School of Business' honors program and we are very proud of him. Steve has been a delight to most everyone he meets ever since he was born 19 years ago.  Always smiling and joking.  Very rarely upset unless it has something to do with Notre Dame football, the Chicago Cubs or the Chicago Bears.  He has had his heart set on attending Notre Dame since he was about four years old.  He lives and breathes Notre Dame.  We have attended many games over the years and he has spent a great deal of time on the campus, falling in love with the ND family.  He wanted to be Joe Montana when he was small but gave that dream up when he realized he was not cut out for playing quarterback. 

We were on spring break his senior year, the day before his 18 birthday, when we found out Steve had not been accepted at ND.  We were with the football team and their families from our high school.  All of the boys and parents knew Steve had his heart set on ND.  When Steve's father told him the news, Steve was devastated to say the least.  He spent the next four or five hours talking and crying with his dad.  His disappointment and rejection were almost too much for me  to bear.   His heart was broken.  They walked the beach, the  waves  and the tears crashing around them, letting the pain come up to be released as much as possible.  After four or five hours of deep and painful catharsis, we had dinner alone, our small family not ready to share the raw emotions with our holiday mates.   The next morning, sitting at breakfast with other parents, we all looked up in amazement as Steve bounded in, attired in full Notre Dame regalia,  "I guess I am going with Plan B!"  Plan B?  I had never heard of Plan B!  " Well Mom, I am just going to have to transfer in next year!"   

We were on to Plan B.  Steve called a counselor and got all of the information he needed to take the classes that would give him the best chance of getting accepted after his freshman year. Of course the grades were going to have to be spectacular also.  He was totally in charge of that department and he knew it.  The freshman year in college can be a little bit rocky.  Being away from home for the first time.  Making all of the decisions for yourself.  Party or study?  Study or party?  It is not an easy year.  Steve came through with flying colors achieving an almost perfect GPA with one A- both semesters.  He impressed his professors with his tenacity as well as with his easy going charm and inquisitive personality. 

Steve did get into Notre Dame and starts there next month.  This year he has proved to himself just what he is capable of achieving when his heart and head work together.  He remarked sometime early in the year, "You know, if I had gotten in right out of high school I don't think it would have meant as much to me.  I might have just skated through just like I skated through high school."  He never entertained the possibility he would not make it in this time.  It will be interesting to see how the rest of his college years as well as his life play out.  His rejection and then acceptance to Notre Dame has been a life defining experience for him in so many ways yet to be realized.

Did I mention Plan C?  Steve is in intensive training and plans on "walking on" the football field next year at Notre Dame.  Have you seen the movie "Rudy"?  That's my Stever!

Sacred Sex

I am the mother of three fabulous children, Alexandra freshly 21, Stephen 19 and Victoria 15. Alexandra studied last semester in Italy and before she left we had her first appointment with a gynecologist and received a prescription for birth control for hormonal difficulties. Scary thing indeed for this Mom! Since she has not had a steady boyfriend as of yet, this has not been an issue but she is growing up and things will be a changing! A few evenings ago, we girls had dinner with a friend of mine who both of the girls respect and look up to. As mothers know, sometimes our children take the advice of friends a bit more to heart than their parents who may be just a little too close during those confusing adolescent years. I have always encouraged my children to forge relationships with appropriate adults as I realize there may be things they do not wish to discuss with their father or myself and a trusted adult friend can fill that void with love and concern for their welfare also. The subject of sex arose and my friend rather flippantly seemed to condone casual sex with the physical act as an end in and of itself.  This is not what she intended but it is what my girls took away from the conversation. I was stunned by their conclusions to say the least.

I believe sex is indeed a Sacred act. It is the merging together of more than two bodies; it is the intermingling of two Souls. I believe you leave a part of your spirit with every person you have a intimate relationship with and a sexual relationship is intensely and immediately intimate whether it is acknowledged or not. Sex has the ability to destroy as well as to heal and should be entered into with full awareness of this sacred and ancient power.

I  grew up in an extremely religious home. While we were Roman Catholic and attended Catholic schools through high school, the command to wait until marriage for sex was inexplicably ingrained without so much as a conversation. It was as if it had been knitted into our very bones from the beginning of time. I married the first person I was to have sex with, as did most of my 6 siblings.   My early marriage lasted a few short years but I learned much about myself and how to listen to the guidance of my spirit through becoming one with my body. The answers are all there within. These are the lessons I try to pass on to my children but I also have to continually learn to let go of the results. They each have their individual soul journeys to navigate. Who am I to presume to know what is right for them? What lessons they came to earth this life time to learn? I can pray for them and hold them in sacred space as they learn to navigate the precarious turns and bumps they will encounter along the way. I can prepare them the best I can and then I must let go and let go and let go again. As much as it breaks my heart, they will be hurt and they will make mistakes. It is part of life. It was part of my life and it will continue to be so even as I grow more aware and hopefully wise with age.

In this precarious age we are called upon to become the change we wish to see. My mission as a parent is to forge a loving bond with my children that will give them the freedom, the space and confidence to grow into the full blessedness of their soul’s expression. I hope the innate need of all humans to be loved and accepted as a part of a group or community larger than themselves will be filled within our immediate family until they are of the age to fly from the nest with the maturity necessary to begin to make decisions and choices that will affect them for their entire lifetime. And I hope they will find the joy of love and the beauty of sacred sex as part of their journey as adults whether they choose to abstain or not. I hope they do not take these life choices lightly but I also pray they will find the lightness of heart and soulful connection that can be part of this wonderful expression of our life on this planet. While The Catholic Conflicts* that were once a large part of my shadow with much influence over my inner turmoil as well as my outward choices, ultimately served me in ways I was not to understand until the reflection and contemplation that comes with awareness and possibly age; I can look back and see their only purpose was to protect me  from making decisions I would regret if not at the time, then in later years.

I believe all life is a continuous circle, constantly spiraling deeper back into itself and then out again as each generation adds to the wisdom, joy and inevitable pain of our human journey to become aware of our Oneness with all creation in all directions of time and space. Sex is a magical part of that journey and when approached in this manner may be as close as some of us will come to experiencing the transcendence of the Divine in our human and ordinary daily lives.