My Dreams, Her Life

I was chatting with a friend yesterday about raising children.   We were discussing our parenting being our deepest spiritual practice and the necessity to do our own inner work to ensure as much clarity as possible when interacting with female teens and pre-teens.  It is so easy to get "our" issues all tangled up in the mix.  Especially when hormones are thrown into the pot.  And it is so hard to step back sometimes.  When Alex, my oldest daughter, (now almost 22) was about 9 or 10, I began preparing for her first period.  I had read all of the reports on young girls starting menses earlier and earlier and I was not going to be caught with MY pants down.  I planned an elaborate ceremony to mark the momentous occasion.  I scouted retreat centers and hermitages in the out lying areas.  I was particularly looking for a forest or wood setting.  I found the perfect place and started getting my "guest list" in order.  All of the women important in her life were to be present.  Her grandmothers, aunts, female family friends, etc.  You get the picture.  I wrote prayers and planned rituals.  I was SO ready for the wondrous day!  I was not going to let this passage into womanhood go by unheralded.  I was not going to let this most sacred aspect of a woman's life be labeled "the curse" and looked down upon.  Alex was not going to enter into the blessedness of her womanhood as I had, embarrassed and hiding, fearful and ashamed of my body and it's functions. 

I waited and waited for the day to arrive.  I had other plans also. We were to met her father for lunch at our favorite French bistro.  A grown up lunch with champagne to celebrate and a small box with her first diamonds to commemorate the day.  Tiny diamond earrings and a trip to get her ears pierced.  I waited and waited.  Alex has always done things on her own time schedule and this day was to be no different.  She did not start her period until she was almost a sophomore in high school!  I am amazed I kept the whole thing to my self that long!   As excited as I was for the day to come I am so glad I had some extra time to rethink the whole issue.

Who was I doing this for anyway?  The entire plan was for me!  My dreams, my desires, my needs, my interests.  Alex could care less about forests and rituals, fires and drums.  She's a city girl!  When I took the time to step back and separate my "self" from my daughter, I saw the truth.  This was all about ME not Alex.  In my zeal to make this moment special, I lost track of the meaning entirely.

Luckily I had the chance to make amends before the day in question arrived.  It didn't take me long to regroup and bring Alex's likes and interests into the secret planning.   Her first Spa Day!  Now that is the kind of female ritual she would be happy with!  We had massages together and facials.  We got our nails done and our toes.  We talked and talked and laughed and giggled.  We did meet her dad for a late lunch and proceed with the rest of the plan as previously scheduled.  She drank champagne and ate escargot for the first time.  We made memories for life.  When I think about how close I came to blowing the whole thing. . . . . . .Whew!  The next day we had a chat.  I told her I was mothering her the way I wanted to be mothered.  I was doing the best I could but I would need her feedback.  She would have to let me know how "she" needed to be mothered too.  It was a life changing moment is our relationship and espeically for me as I began to really let go of "my" little girl to make room for the beautiful young woman blooming before my very eyes.

Comments

[Cyndee Greene]

Alright alright....now I am sounding like a broken record. But I don't care :) I hope someday to create gorgeous collage pages as you do.
And all that you write continues to resonate so deeply for me. Thank you my dear one for that. It helps to know someone else out there that has this deep soul language.
Gee....I want to be your daughter & go to the woods & have the rituals & the drumming :) :)
We do love the same things....

[laura]

Kathy,
Thanks for sharing this story.
I have so much I want to say but all that I can come up with is thank you right now to much emotion stuff would pour out.

~v~Laura

[Mayberry Magpie]

Oh Kathy, this is such a sweet and lovely story. I have to admit, though, it made me laugh out loud. I've been down that road so many times (though never to the forest LOL). If only mothers could give up the notion of making up for their own mothers' mistakes.

[Jen]

Oh Kathleen that was a beautiful story. I wish I had done something as beautiful as that for my own daughters. I know she will cherish that day for the rest of her life, and if she has a daughter of her own, it will be repeated I am sure.

You are incredible.

Jen
xo

[shirley ende-saxe]

You have the rarest of parental talents, the ability to change. It will serve you well and your children will become your friends. That is no small accomplishment!