Kathleen Botsford

No Practice Required

It has been a week full of mishaps and obstacles.   What is interesting is how these small, everyday crisis' enable us to  "stay in the moment".  No practice required.  It all started quite innocently last Friday.  I took a limo to meet my daughter at her high school when classes were finished.  We were driving from there, to the airport to pick up one of her friends and then on to South Bend for the weekend.  I felt a little uneasy when transferring our luggage from one car to the other but I chalked it up to that unsettled feeling I get when I am  out of my usual schedule.  We were three hours into our trip when I realized I left my wallet in the limo. (#1)

The next morning my husband returned from his usual run to Starbucks and found my daughter's back window broken and her back pack gone. (#2) Victoria was quite upset.  All of her AP books and notes, and most importantly, some new lip gloss were in that backpack.  And let's not forget her homework.  This little, though costly, obstacle had a happy ending.  We were at the football game on Saturday when Tori received a message via Facebook.  The villains didn't seem to think her very expensive school books were worth it and dumped the backpack in someone's yard.  The good Samaritans used this crazy networking system to find Tori and reunited her with her books  later that evening.  But not the lip gloss.  It must have been the culprit's favorite color.

Tuesday morning I was locked in our guest room with our dog, Rockne, safely under the covers (so he sees nothing,  hears nothing and therefore does not bark incessantly) while broadcasting the live radio show I do with my friend Jill.  As the show ended and I opened the door, Rockne made a mad dash down the stairs in one of those "frenzies" only a dog lover can understand.  Seems a squirrel had gotten into the house. (#3) I got Rockne into his cage and tried to make an easy exit for the squirrel, ala' a gourmet trail of walnuts and an open deck door but said squirrel decided an exploration of the upstairs seemed much more exciting.  I corralled him in my son's room and called the "critter control" people who happened to be in our neighborhood at the time.  Can you imagine what would have happened if he had gotten into the house while we were gone for 3-4 days?  Yikes!!!

Then....yesterday while minding my own business, getting ready to get on the treadmill, (is this a sign or what?) the washing machine's rinse cycle starting coming out of our powder room toilet, flooding said room and not so gently cascading down the basement (finished basement, of course) stairs while my husband was on a Skype call with Russia!  Jeez!  We got that all cleaned up and.... IT HAPPENED AGAIN!  This time with no washing machine help at all.  Big sigh.  We called the plumbers and they all scratched their heads while trying to fit us into their already full schedule.  Another big sigh.  The project took two days and we were without "facilities" from yesterday afternoon until about an hour ago. (#4)

Tonight is "Meet the Faculty" night at our high school.  I plan to be all packed for tomorrow's trek to South Bend before I go.  This evening is all about me and relaxing with a bottle (yes I said "bottle", not glass) of wine when I return home.  Bigger sigh.

I usually look for all sorts of reasons and signs and messages from weeks like this.  It's funny, but my mind has not "gone there" over this past week.  We have had some obstacles, nothing earth shattering, and we dealt with them as graciously as possible.  End of story.  And one must stay focused on the present if one is going to be cleaning up over-flowing toilets, catching wily squirrels and reclaiming wallets and backpacks.  No need for practicing at all.

Here's hoping everyone's weekend is as joyous as possible.  And yes, here's hoping for ANOTHER Irish victory!   

Making Friends with the Questions

I have been feeling out of sync for quite some time now.  My creative energy seems to have dried up.  My desire to re-ignite it has blown away.  To be honest, my desire to do almost anything is gone.  Yes, I still do what it takes to keep my home and family going but that little spark of contented fulfillment is missing most of the time.  And I am not used to that.

I have been through these phases before and realize they are part of the ebb and flow of life but this phase is sticking around much too long.  Or is it?

I was speaking with a dear and wise friend yesterday.  We had a nice long chat and contemplated many of the ingredients that seem to be part of my melancholy.  She then shared with me her own, dare I say it, "dark night of the soul".  It lasted ten years.  Ten years!  She has come out the other side now but those long years must have been so very difficult to endure. 

Sigh.  As I practice releasing the need for answers I will also practice embracing this mystery.  Releasing into the flow of the river of life even if it feels I am going nowhere in a big hurry.  Releasing the resistance to "what is" without analyzing and labeling.   Making friends with the questions and letting them be.   Questions with no answers........now isn't that freeing?

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves.

Do not now seek the answers,

which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything.  Live the questions

 Rainer Maria Rilke

Back to School

This was Tori's first day of school in kindergarten, 12 years ago.  She looks a little apprehensive but oh so cute.  Yesterday was the first day of her senior year in high school.  Where has the time gone?  While Tori will be busy and actively counting down the days to graduation, I will do my best to slow down the clock and savor every moment of this last year with my youngest child.  Even if she moves home after college, things will be different, the dynamics will have shifted.   My job will be down sized and out sourced, just as it should be.  There will be lots of new adventures and adjustments for both of us.  I pray for the Grace to let go with love and confidence into the blessings of our futures.

 Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you

yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek

not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Kahlil Gibran

SoulCollage® Blog Party!

 

 

Today is a SoulCollage® blog party given by Kathryn Antyr at True North Arts.  How much fun is that?  The object is to post some of our SoulCollage® cards and then visit each other's blogs to share our journey and our insights.  And it just so happened that I had scheduled a SoulCollage® workshop today that was canceled.  So here I am, with the cards I drew today, sharing with all of you.

The first card is my Death card.  And very funny indeed it was the first card up this morning.  My children are flying the coop faster than I can manage.  This is the beginning of the second week of my two week "retreat" from motherhood and wifedom.   Death is a necessary part of life, literally and symbolically.  I am "dying" to my role as mother and a new me will be re-birthed.  The relationship I have with my husband will also need pruning as we begin to re-form our lives together.  That is at once, exciting to me and very scary.  Maybe we will have nothing in common when the children are gone.  It is indeed a possibility......

My two youngest, 17 and 21 are with their father in LA for a traditional business trip.  Each summer Steve would take each child on a business trip by themselves.  The kids loved going to meetings with their dad and the rest of the time was filled with lots of memory making adventures.  This is the first time I have been alone when these "bizness trips" as the kids used to call the when they were little, occur.  As much as I looked forward to this time alone with no responsibilities and nothing to do but what I wanted to do, the first few days were a bit rocky.  I felt at odds with myself and wandered aimlessly around my home, feeling out of sorts with no creative project calling my attention for more than a moment or two.  The more I sat with the feelings and moved into the resistance, the more I realized how hurt I felt and unneeded and unwanted.  This is just the beginning I know.  Victoria is a senior in high school and Stevie is a senior in college.  The year will be full of endings.   And of course, beginnings......Thank you Seena for my SoulCollage® practice to help me navigate and plum these deep wells inside of my psyche.  To make sense of the story of my life as I move 0n to new places in the outer world as well as my inner world.

The next card up is my Inner Critic.  Or should I say one of my inner critics.  This card comes up to keep me on my toes physically as well as mentally.  It seems this part of my committee is never quite satisfied with my weight or my looks and especially the comfort foods and clothes I have been drawn to on this sabbatical.  I normally work out two hours a day but have taken these two weeks off to savor the mornings and the birdsong with a cup of tea and an open schedule.  Of course these ladies are still hard at work pushing, pushing, pushing me to do more and be more.  This week I have been politely taking their suggestions and then staying glued to my chair with one more cup of tea and a croissant.  Funny they should appear this morning, isn't it?

The last card is one of my favorites.  Into the Mystery is ripe with possibilities and adventures.  As I practice letting go of my children and my primary role as a hands on mother, I am also excited about the possibilities the future has in store.  Will our radio show become a favorite activity and creative outlet?  Will I do more workshops?  Write?  Will my jewelry take off in a larger way?  And how about my dreams of travel and Italy?  This card always quickens my heart when I see it, reminding me to stay centered in the present so I have no regrets as the future unfolds, slowly and steadily, one step at a time.

Happy SoulCollage®!

When the Time is Right

As much as I love the winter with it's long and dreary days made especially for contemplating and puttering about, I can still find that little voice in my head, if only a whisper, that constantly urges me to 'do' something more, something 'bigger'.    Sometimes it irritates me.  Sometimes I pay it no heed.  Other times I question myself and my own sense of inner rhythm and knowing.  These are the times that illicit the most opportunity for growth.  How long will it take me to come home to myself?  Home to the simple act of 'being'.  Home to that place of peace and contentment.  How long will I struggle with my demons before I take a deep breath and send them packing?

Some-days a few moments of quiet centering are all that is necessary.  Other days I flounder and thrash against my invisible foes for hours before I wear myself out and surrender to the bliss of nothingness.  I cannot 'miss' my destiny.  I am living it, every day, every hour, every minute. 

In the pursuit of knowledge,

everyday something is added.

In the practice of the Tao,

everyday something is dropped.

Less and less do you need to force things,

until finally you arrive at non-action.

When nothing is done,

nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained

by letting things go their own way.

It can't be gained by interfering.

A Fresh Start

As I begin to dismantle Christmas, I am contemplating the mystery of time.  Timelessness to be exact.  I used to dread taking down the trees and the decorations.   Now I realize there is a time to every season.  I can softly disentangle the memories hanging on the trees as I gently wrap each one in tissue and snuggle it into place for another year of hibernation.  I can celebrate the 'end' of the season as joyfully as I celebrated the beginning.  It has always been my choice even when I could not see it.

I look forward to the winter months.  I look forward to dark and dreary days just begging for a fire, a cup of tea and a book.  I look forward to the time to answer these calls for solitude and the grace to enjoy them without the constant nagging of my inner critics urging me to 'do something useful'.  I look forward to the courage to do nothing at all if that is what I so choose.

I look forward to a 'fresh' start.  Each day.  Each hour.  Each moment.

Happy New Year dear friends!

Auntie Em???

Does this look like Auntie Em to  you?  I know I may be prejudiced but this is definitely the face of Glenda the Good Witch as surely as I am the mother of this beautiful child.  Something seems to have gone amiss in the world of 'High School Musicals' in our neck of the woods.  Suffice to say, Victoria did not get the part she wanted.  She will play Auntie Em and be some sort of angelic voice which I do NOT remember from the movie....(maybe it's in the play or maybe they feel bad and are trying to make it up to her, hmmm?)

Victoria is not the only one in a tizzy.  The two seniors who did get cast as Glenda wanted Dorothy.  They are not happy campers either.  What is a mother to do?  I held her as she cried and cried.  I let her talk about quitting and refusing to be the Aunt of the FRESHMAN Dorothy.  I let her plot and plan to push said freshman off stage at the most apropos moment.  I let her vent and vent and vent.  And then I snuck in a tiny, very infinitesimal, little bitty word......'character'.....and stepped back, way back.

As I held my breath and braced for the indignant reproach we mothers of 16 year old girls are very familiar with, I was met with a surprising silence.  No explosion, no disdain, not even a rolled eye.  So I ventured a little further and reminded her of her brother and his challenges.  How he did not play football at the very same high school that 'seems' to be taking her talents for granted.  And how each Saturday, his former high school teammates sit in dismay as they tune in to see Stevie, bigger than life on national television, a member of  the Notre Dame football team. 

Disappointments are a part of life.  It seems even more heart wrenching when the one being disappointed is your child.  Always, always, we have more opportunities to learn and to grow in this wonderful school room we call 'Life'.....whether we want to or not.

Whew!  Victoria won't be giving up on Broadway just yet. 

Certified Tree Hugger

Ok.  Here it is.  I am a huge @#$%ing  TREE HUGGER.  I am not apologizing for that.  I talk to trees and if the truth be told, they talk back to me.  I can honestly say, trees are some of my most constant and supportive friends.  Suffice it to say, the sound of a chainsaw stops my heart cold and sends me into an automatic panic attack.  I have a difficult time steadying my breath and calming my heart rate, I can barely swallow and my eyes immediately tear up.  I awoke this morning to that dreaded, horrible, life-killing sound. 

I immediately grabbed the phone and called the president of our village.  7am is not TOO early for a call from a hysterical woman, is it?  Good.  I didn't think so either.  We had spoken earlier this summer regarding my neighbors plan to chop down 3 fabulously huge and ancient Cottonwood trees.  Seems it upsets him (the neighbor) when the trees shed their cotton for a couple weeks in the spring.  It gets in his screens.  Actually, where the trees are situated, much more of the fluff accumulates in MY screens. 

Anyway, there is a bill on the docket to protect "Heritage" trees and these trees fall into that category.  It will be voted on next week but to stop the annihilation of said trees, the president issued a moratorium.  He was not happy when he received my phone call and he rushed right over to save said trees and comfort the hysterical woman (me).  The trees were trimmed much too extensively and may possibly die as a result, giving said neighbor his original intent anyway.

I have spent my day trying desperately to avoid wishing much bad luck on said neighbor and all of his descendants for generations to come.  It has been a struggle.  Victoria thinks we should plant lots of Cottonwoods on our property and maybe the fluff will get in his windows too.  There is always an opportunity to practice taking the higher road.  Sigh.  Somedays I just get so tired of that darn climb.

 

Zen Day Part 2, one small detail!

I forgot one small thing.  In my Zen-like Zeal (which is an oxymoron!) for spending time with my kids, I didn't take into consideration that THEY may have other plans.  Their lives do not revolve around me and that is as it should be.  So, I guess that means I have to clean up my studio. Shit!